Couldn’t let the day pass without claiming Missandei from Game of Thrones as my #WCW. Played by the gorgeous Nathalie Emmanuel. I waited 3 years for this one scene. 😩
Nothing beats this picture and the atmosphere it portrays. Planning to go Tunisia an just chill with my grandparents on their roof and drink tea. My grandma makes the best tea - it’s not even a joke how good it is.
All I want right is calm and peace.
a mythical animal typically depicted as having the body of a lion, the head of a man, and the sting of a scorpion. It was thought to have romaed the jungles of India and, like the Sphinx, would ask travellers a riddle and kill them when they failed to answer it.
Etymology: from Latin manticora, from Greek mantichōrās, corruption of martichorās, from Persian mardkhora, “man-eater”.
Both men & women have complained about this exact issue since time in memorial. Yet, many haven’t come to realize that the acquisition of a “plutonic friendship”, free of any sexual or flirtatious enticements is imperative before cultivating a more personal & inevitably sexual relationship. The stage of “opening up to someone” should be considered an honorary stage that is earned through the continued perseverance by one who has proven their value of being worthy to be trusted with such personal info. This all requires time, and a lot of it. But unfortunately the way our generation is set up, time is something we don’t particularly like wasting on getting to truly know someone. Those who take the time, show they care.. those who rush, show they don’t. Patience is the virtue to practice. that way, you avoid situations where you’re the one putting everything on the table, or keeping everything off out of fear.
Today I spoke with a counselor on the suicide hotline. No, today I wasn’t suicidal, but last night I had thoughts. These thoughts (in the moment) are relieving. They bring a conclusion to an issue that in percent time seems to last forever. Even though I know it will not be so.
I have had extreme bouts of depression since my ex and I separated. Its been almost a month & I’ve suffered through this transition admittedly, in an ungraceful manner. After all we were together for four long years, and I never stopped loving her a single day of it.
Since she has been gone, It’s felt as though a large part of me has literally died & sometimes I almost can’t bear the pain. I think back to the day it was officially over & the deep sense of sorrow & regret that seemed to fill my lungs in that moment returns. it’s stifling. It’s thick. It’s damning. this depression. The self mutilation, the mental abuse of telling myself “I wasn’t good enough”. It all weighs down in me. I find myself sending hateul messages. Blaming her for the death of our children. Holding her responsible for the immense sense of heart break & betrayal that I feel.. then comes the morning. I feel better, I think better. I feel as though I have things under control. Until I see her with another guy. Which kills me…
It hasn’t even been a month since we broke up and already she’s cralled into the bed of another guy. She and I still mess around sometimes & I see things I wish I never saw. Because here I am in deep depression. In fucking mourning still & she’s already sleeping at another guys house. In less than a month. & the feeling that comes over me is the feeling of worthlessness. A feeling of betrayal. A feeling of time wasted. I Know we aren’t together & I know that she’s free to do what she wants. The realization that my devotion to this woman was not only undervalued, but utterly cast aside like garbage has been difficult to deal with.
I wonder to myself what the issue is with me. why am I such damaged goods. Why can’t I just up & talk to someone as easy as she did.
I come up with one answer,
"It’s because you love her, dude."
This is absolutely right. I do love her. I love her with all my heart. Her presence to me was electrifying. I lived and breathed her scent daily. I cherished her & catered to her every need. The level of devotion I have had for the last four years has been immense. I feel spiritually bonded with this woman. But for the very freedom of my soul I can not just move on. It’s impossible for me to think Of being with someone else. Giving my attention & affection to another woman isn’t appealing to me because the joy of my day was seeing her beautiful face smile at me.
Now that joy is gone I have trouble thinking straight. I sometimes feel as though I’m about to literally go insane. There’s a terrible feeling that comes over my stomach. My heart is like a pin ball in my chest. I literally feel like I’m dying in that very moment. that feeling of panic that overwhelms my heart & mind is incredible. I honestly don’t even know how I make it through those moments because they are super intense.
my only question is, when does this feeling end? at what point will I feel closure? this emotion Is real & my feelings are raw. when do I get my salvation?
Of course some motivational speaker would say some shit like “when you choose it”. it’s not that simple.
How can one choose to throw away an emotion, a piece of them, & pretend as if it never existed. When in reality your love for this woman was so primary. so surreal. how can I just throw that away?
what school offered that elective class because I never saw that one on my brochure.
In today’s society, this type of love and devotion is seen as insanity. I’m told to keep it to myself. Don’t be a cry baby ass nigga. move on. there are plenty of gorgeous women in the world. And even though at this moment I don’t want any of them. I’ll eventually get to a point where I’ll have them all. because when I hit rock bottom, the only direction left to go is up. & I’m coming.
love is dangerous. love is addicting. love is treacherous. love is everything for some & nothing for others.
love is some crazy shit.